All sorts of bad news this last week, the storm causing havoc all round the island, can you even imagine winds of 114 miles an hour, probably a lot faster than many racing cars, sweeping past. Sadly one man killed in Donegal, many people devastated as their homes are wrecked and trees toppled like nine pins. My sympathies to everyone, it was a frightening number of hours and has left so many with no electricity and no water supply. And the trauma of those who have lost their homes in some way or another. The clear up will take time and cost thousands and as I write a new storm is making its presence felt. The only good news I bring you is that Anne and Gerry Egan from Belfast have been able to return to their home in Los Angeles and found it intact. Their business has been burnt to the ground but knowing these two it won’t be long before they are receiving clients into a new hair salon. Lots of love to them both and their families.
Tomorrow is the 80th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz the largest of the Nazi concentration camps and the 30th anniversary of the genocide in Bosnia and there will be memorials held in many countries. Here in Belfast, Thursday evening saw our annual Holocaust Memorial, this time being held in the City Hall. The Grand Hall was filled with people from all backgrounds and cultures and faiths and I was impressed with the number of young people taking part, singers, junior Ambassadors of Peace, more speaking the words of men and women who experienced the Holocaust and of some who survived. We also heard a heartbreaking account from Munira Subasic a mother from Srebrenica who lost 22 members of her family including her husband and her son in the genocide; she pleads for even one bone from her son’s body to cherish and to love.
The closing music, An Irish Blessing, was sung beautifully by two pupils at Priory Integrated College Holywood and with this year’s theme, For A Better Future, that lies in the hands of these thoughtful, youthful citizens who have time ahead to make a difference. Paul Clark again guided us through the evening with his usual grace.
Sartorial Elegance?
Speaker Edwin Poots would have been pleased with the boys and girls looking so smart and appropriately dressed for the occasion but is he right to ask political gentlemen in the public eye to consider wearing shirts and ties? I think he is and I think it should apply to media types too. I don’t like my news presenters weighing in looking like they just come off a sports field with open shirts or tee shirts. There was a row when Kate Adey appeared reporting from foreign fields wearing little pearl stud earrings! For me she was just paying me respect by dressing up to a standard I appreciated. When I was ‘doing’ television my aunt told my mother that I visited twice a week and I always looked smart. I think that’s the importance, respecting your audience or your constituents. It’s different if a reporter is in a difficult situation like the Middle East or the Californian fires, then there is little chance of having the choice of wardrobe. Having said that women presenters on the network can over do it especially when they stand in front of the camera often with their legs apart as they are giving their report or introducing an item, cries of “Look at what she’s wearing”, “That colour doesn’t suit her,” or “she’s looking tired tonight.” Unfair but that’s what it’s like and there is no answer to a critical viewer. It’s the words that matter at the end of the day and any distraction impinges on that however respect is important.
Importamt Informatiom
“I must have annoyed him in some way because he took a pair of scissors and before I know it had cut off a lump of my hair at the back. My lovely auburn hair. I was ashamed to go out. He just laughed and went about his business.”
“I was writing poetry or at least trying to and I’d three notebooks full of finished poems. I found it took my mind off tensions with my husband. One evening he got mad at me for forgetting to pick up his suit from the cleaners, yet again he began telling me I was a useless, then he lifted my notebooks and threw them in the fire.”
“She nags me constantly, always criticising me and accusing me of being a failure as a man. It means I’m beginning to stay away from my home to avoid the emotional pain she inflicts. It’s an awful way to live.”
These are examples of abusive and especially coercive behaviour which has been said to be the polar opposite to freedom. It can be aggressive and physical or it can be subtle and gradually undermine confidence, zapping self-esteem and taking away any pleasure in a relationship or in everyday life. Abusive behaviour can include, but is not limited to, coercive control, psychological and emotional abuse, physical and sexual abuse, economic abuse, online and technological abuse.
No Respecter of Gender
Anyone, male or female, can use coercive tactics to get what they want, be it power or self-satisfaction. I suppose it creeps into all our lives to a degree at some time or another but when it is practiced constantly and with no regrets there is no doubting coercive control.
Although certainly not exclusively, it tends to be the women who suffers this type of behaviour and most often apparently it is the man of the house who is the perpetrator. Of course, in general, a partnership will work well with the occasional blips but it seems more and more women are turning to organisations like Women’s Aid for help. But do men suffer the same way? Yes, they do and the experiences are very similar, monitoring texts, wanting to know where you are at any given time, repeatedly putting you down, calling you names or telling you are worthless, control of finances is common in this situation. Women can find themselves with nothing, not knowing about the running of the house, whether there’s a will giving security to her and their children, no bank card, relying on the man to provide her with the necessities, denying her vital the basics, even sanitary products.
The list goes on, trying to isolate you from your friends and family, trying to stop you going to work, damaging your possessions or threatening to share sexual images or videos of you.
In both male and female situations coercion is most often about power and control.
I asked Sonya McMullan of Women’s Aid are there not warning signs during the days of dating? The answer is that every case is different, this charity helps women from all walks of life and from all backgrounds and every situation is unique. “More often than not it’s a slow process over a long period of time depriving the woman of her rights until she looses self confidence, is unsure of herself and her decisions.” But why can she not stand up to this form of bullying? I know at least one women who has gone into a marriage with stars in her eyes, the perfect man, attentive and loving.
Not All It Seemed
However, gradually little things began to happen, she’d arrange to go out for the evening with her friends but at the last minute he’d have a work situation that had to be attended too and it was too late to arrange a baby sitter. Then it was comments about her appearance: “Are you seriously going to eat that with your weight problem.” She didn’t have a weight problem. What started out as a romantic twosome eventually became two opposing people until she was brave enough to seek help.
It’s important that recent legislation has made coercive behaviour and abuse a criminal offence. For more details www.legislation.gov.uk/nia/2021/2
If you need support from Women’s Aid http://www.womensaidni.org/ or the 24 hour domestic and sexual abuse helpline which is 0808 8021414, details at https://dsahelpline.org/
For Men’s Advisory Project telephone Belfast (028) 9024 1929, Foyle (028) 7116 0001 Monday to Friday 9 a.m. until 5 p.m. Email info@mapni.co.uk . www.mapni.co.uk
The phone offers an answering machine for messages and a safe and suitable time will be arranged for someone to call you back.
A Gentle Man Of Magical Words
I was really saddened to hear of the death of one of Ireland most prominent poets, Michael Longley. The outpouring of sympathy to his family and the respect and love for him from his huge audience is powerful. I met him at the Synagogue some years ago where he was talking about his poetry and he was riveting to listen too and delightful to talk with. His wife Edna was always with him and I send her and the family my thoughts and prayers. On the day Michael’s death was announced it was a shock. Later on that Friday afternoon I was trying to squeeze a big heavy book into the book shelf which meant pushing others back to make room and one book was blocking my way so I lifted it out and guess what – it was Collected Poems by Michael Longley signed by him and given to me on that day in the Synagogue.
Michael Longley with his family at the Belfast Synagogue 2020.
I laughed at Patrick Kielty on Friday’s Late Late Show when he thanked Irish Women in Harmony who are due to sing in the National Concert Hall in Dublin in March to celebrate International Woman’s Day. When they finished a grand rendition of “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen what does he say – “Well Done Guys”!!
;.