Donald Trump sketch by Billy Austin
Well, what did you think of the main event on Friday’s television? Hard to take in the lack of discipline shown by the President of America and his side kick. If you are a mother or father you’d have administered a punishment to those two boys. If I’d been Zelensky I would have smiled at them and said nothing until they had run out of steam but I wasn’t there. Maybe I couldn’t have bitten my tongue for long enough. Those organising the state visit to England and Scotland must be spitting nails, how to get out of that! I live in hope something will be done to bring these people together to make positive decisions. Otherwise we are in huge trouble. Only positive thing this morning is the back lash from thousands of Americans who are protesting about the debacle.
Rugby is getting exciting with a couple of good weekends to look forwards to. It fascinates me to watch the managerial men in the glass cabin watching from on high, their facial expressions reflecting what’s going on with their team but who are they talking to on those little personal mics? Couldn’t be the players. So I phoned my rugby guru Jim Neilly who told me they are talking to their colleagues along the side of the pitch who, when they get a chance or a reason to dash on with water or to tend an injury, can relay the managers instructions. Obvious when you think of it!
ANOTHER FRIEND GONE
I suppose you get to an age when you begin to loose friends more and more often, notably this week journalist Henry Kelly. He was a friend to many in local BBC and UTV as well as newspaper colleagues. I came on this picture taken in 1984 to celebrate the groundbreaking award winning Ulster Television medical series Trauma. At the ceremony in London – Jon Lander presenter, Brian Waddell programme controller, Duke of Westminster, producer/director of the series Alan Hailes and Henry Kelly.
THIS INFORMATION APPLIES TO EVERYONE
Rhonda Lusty of the Men’s Advisory Project. PSNI statistics show 33% of domestic abuse know to them is happening to men
When we talk of domestic abuse it’s probably fair to say we think primarily of women in the home situation and Woman’s Aid, an important organisation I wrote of recently.
But what if the boot’s on the other foot and it’s the male in the relationship who is going through violence in some shape or form be it physical or the more subtle financial or emotional abuse? Often he will put up with these pressures until it becomes unbearable and then where does he go for help and advice?
One answer is the Men’s Advisory Project. There are two offices, Belfast and Foyle and a 24 hour telephone service. As CEO Rhonda Lusty explained this was a project 27 years ago but not any more as every year somewhere in the region of 1000 men contact the charity for help and advice. The call might be answered in person or it might be an answering machine, both will give the support needed, going on social media for a ‘TikTok diagnoses’ is never as good as talking with an experienced support volunteer or counsellor.
If you do phone and get the answering machine, it’s a gentle message thanking you for calling and explaining the service offers support for abuse and phoning implies you have given consent to contact you but asks when it would be suitable so as not to cause a safety issue. If in danger you’re told to dial 999 or Lifeline 0808 8088000
Confidential Service
Each call is dealt with extreme sensitivity. It’s understood that it might not be possible to complete a conversation for some reason in which case, with your permission, you will be called back at an arranged time. The call could be by phone, zoom or face to face depending on your preference and how suitable it would be within your circumstances. There are 26 volunteers and workers as well a specialised counsellors, they support men who may have had their voice and choice taken away by their abuser, they want to give it back through building confidence from first contact. Often the telephone will be answered by a woman and whilst all men are offered the support of another man, apparently the majority prefer speaking with a female when confiding their experiences.
I was surprised to hear from Rhonda that although 98% of calls are from men, women also seek advice from the Project. “They come to us for information if they need help and advice for a male family member who might be being abused in some way, a son or a father for example, too afraid or loyal to speak out. Abuse can be subtle or very direct, we easily understand physical or sexual abuse but emotional abuse for example can be general humiliation, bullying, telling you you are a useless man, giving false information to friends, discrediting you with your family, especially your children.” Another hidden form of abuse is financial, it’s hard to imagine but there are nearly one million people living in the UK who are in a relationship with someone who is financially abusive; it could start in a simple way, borrowing a fiver, then taking benefits, even selling a parent’s drugs.
“We often find that the men we support are hesitant to disclose sexual abuse because of the shame, guilt or fear that perpetrators instil in their victims through unwanted kissing or touching, often physical force or emotionally manipulating Into performing sexual acts. Any form of abuse, including sexual, is never the victim’s fault.”
Overcoming Pain
You can understand how difficult all this can be to discuss but it’s important as the advice will not only be personal but also practical such as having a second mobile phone so, if you have to leave the relationship on a hurry, you’ll have bank details, passport numbers, all your contacts. It could be suggested that you open a private bank account with some emergency money so you don’t leave with nothing. Even then, thinking he’s escaped, the abuser might stalk the victim, harassing him and controlling by threatening phone calls,
These are extreme measures but sadly many men need to be aware of the situation and know they are not alone and there is support. It’s important to point out that the vast majority of relationships have their ups and downs which can be sorted without professional help but it is also important to point out that, if this is not the case, you need not suffer in silence.
Address: 5th Floor, Glendinning House, 6 Murray Street Belfast open 9 a.m – 5 p.m. Monday to Friday. Telephone: Belfast (028) 90241929 Foyle (028) 7116 0001. Email info@mapnicouk and more at mapni.co.uk
Bob The Clown got the Imagine Belfast Festival off to a great start at last week’s launch. He is typical of the colour, the fun and the adventure of the eleventh year, bigger and better than ever, 120 events, 300 speakers, 50 centres. ‘Stop scrolling, start thinking’ they say – good advice, there is so much in the world to learn about and appreciate away from social media. From poetry to politics, from Artificial Intelligence to Atomic People and from Witch Trials to The Lost Writings of James Connolly and everything between. Find out more at the Imagine website imaginebelfast.com
24th to the 30th March – discussions workshops, exhibitions, film, humour, letters, talks, music and theatre.