What a week that was. We’ll all have our own memories but mine are of Donegal at it’s most vibrant, the sea more blue and the grass more green, the temperature off the scale. Big mists rolling in from the Atlantic but not before we had the spectacle of the super moon. Breath taking. Early in the evening it looked like a huge translucent ball hanging just above the horizon getting brighter as it climbed. Meeting old friends and making new friends and Hazel’s chocolate Guinness cake! There are country markets all over the place but yesterday morning was a feast for the eyes, the Tavern near Portnoo hosts the Kilclooney country market which boasts the most professional offerings from jewellery to knitwear, ceramics to crochet, ‘fresh that morning’ vegetables (one big cauliflower for €2) flowers, chutneys and jams, home baked savouries and Hazel’s chocolate Guinness cake!
Further along the road in Ardara the Farmer’s Market was in full swing and although I didn’t make it I understand it was a mega event, all the fun of the fair despite the heat.
One lobster fisherman I was talking to reported that two of his catch had died from heat stroke despite him keeping them well doused in salt water. I just wonder how many people have suffered in the temperatures touching 30 degrees. As I write big rain drops are falling but the sky is clearing by the minute, another good day ahead with thunderstorms later. Donegal has it all and I’m sad to say goodbye. Belfast beckons.
I can’t really exist without the news in the morning and late at night, the rest of the day is mine. And it’s been very concerning to listen to RTE radio reports of water shortages, no student accommodate for young people arriving to take up university places, the state of Dublin which apparently is ‘disgusting’, litter, household waste, evidence of drink and drugs on the pavements, it all sounds dreadful and hard to believe. Dublin has always been something of a magnet for the in-crowd, theatre, restaurants, top hotels, parks and gardens. But it appears the Dublin of Oscar Wilde is long gone, apparently his style is hard to find amongst the t-shirts and flip flops but then again Belfast has it’s faults, a beautiful canvas with a mediocre painting of black bin bags.
My first visit to Paris was in 1965 and it was astounding, the streets were washed down at about six in the morning, awnings unfurled over street cafes, music in the air and the chestnut trees in blossom. The men were romantic, being handed a bunch of flowers when standing watching some dignitary arrive at the Elysee Palace is heady stuff, as is being sung to in a famous basement cafe and walked home by a senior executive in Peugeot cars, a bouquet of flowers awaiting me the next morning just before jetting home.
Mind you I was with my mother so I was on my best behaviour However, when sitting at a pavement cafe wasn’t she chatted up by a gentleman at the next table who wanted to take her for a tour of Paris in his Rolls Royce. She politely declined! My point in saying this is to report on the last time I was in Paris. gone were the slender women in Dior suits, pencil slim skirts, stiletto heels and picture hats, a small dog on a lead to completed the picture. Instead I saw, as in Belfast and Dublin, young people in tight vests and jeans chewing gum. And now that the heat wave is over and the rain is due to set in, I bet we’ll be back in dark clothes and grumpy faces. Note to self, bright colours only despite the weather; must try harder although Parisian elegance I’m afraid is a thing of the past at least for the present.
DILEMMA
“I walked into a restaurant last week and saw my friend’s husband with a young woman. I know her a bit, we all socialise together so I don’t know if I should tell his wife. It all looked very cosy. I can’t bare the thought that he’s cheating on my friend. What I should do.”
This from a reader.
Well, that’s some problem to solve and it isn’t easy. I asked a couple of married friends whether or not they would wish to be told of such a situation. Interesting results. I started with Joyce (none of the names used belong to these men or women) and her story is heartbreaking. “I married a man and I now know it was a rebound from an old romance, the woman dumped him when she found a rich replacement but I suspected he still held a torch, We’d a family, we both worked and although it wasn’t an ideal marriage many of my girl friends had problems too. Some of them found out that their men were cheating and were devastated and in some cases they separated. Anyway, Jim and I rubbed along ok for years, he worked all over the country and had a job in Derry every Saturday so I was used to him being away from home. Only when my youngest was 10 did I find the letters.” She assures me she wasn’t looking for anything that linked Jim to another woman.
It Was A Complete Surprise. “I didn’t actually faint but it was close. I will always remember sitting on the bed and reading what his old girlfriend wrote. Lovey dovey puts it mildly and it was obvious that he was writing to her. I asked him why he had to go to Derry every Saturday, what sort of job was it? He was evasive, said it was an ongoing work he had to keep his eye on. Then I gave him the letters.”
It’s obviously difficult for Joyce to talk about this part of her story because he told her the woman he had been close to before they were married was in fact the love of his life, she was married and had a family but she kept Saturday free for him. It was awkward because I felt I was prying into a very personal secret but at the same time she seemed glad to tell someone who didn’t know her family and wasn’t going to be judgemental. “I left home for a couple of days but I came back because of the children, it wasn’t fair on them, they knew something was wrong but I passed it off as an argument they didn’t need to worry about. I kept the letters and In the end I took them to her house and when I knew she was out I gave them to her husband and told him to sort it.”
Joyce and her husband remain together but she admits it’s a toxic relationship. “He still goes away but I don’t ask him where he’s going or where he’s been. If I want to keep the family together, and now we have grandchildren, it’s important I block it out of my mind.” Would she have welcomed someone telling her her husband was seen with another woman?
“Absolutely.” She has no doubt and her voice is harsh. I asked her what she would have done. “Knocked it on the head immediately. It might have made a difference.”
That’s The Risk You Take. ‘Might’. Without evidence you could be jumping the gun – those two in the restaurant knew each other, he or she might have had a problem the other could help with, they might have been with other people in the restaurant and stayed on to chat over a drink, it could be innocent and if it was you’d be sowing seeds of suspicion. Perhaps if you gone over and said hello, let them know you have stumbled on their meeting and have a chat, ask after his wife, suggest all meeting up, include the other girl and the chances are the man may mention it to his wife just in case you start gossiping. Again, remember you have no evidence.
Marie had another story. “I remember at work a man asking me if I knew my husband was seeing someone else what would I do? I laughed and said I’d put garlic in all this meals! I thought nothing of it until soon after in the canteen the chat came round to someone cheating on his girlfriend and Pat looked at me and said: ’you’d be surprised who’s having an affaire in here.’ For some reason that stuck in my mind, just the way she said it and her look but again I didn’t do anything or ask any questions.”
However, one day she got a phone call and the voice said: ‘ask your man did he have a nice afternoon with the girl Jane?’ Her young husband was often late home or out with the boys, however, one night he came home smelling of perfume and her world burst open wide when he admitted his double life. She told me she confronted the situation, they talked of separation and did so for a while but thankfully with the support of her friends, they got over the heartbreak because she realised that he too was hurting but wanted to remain with her more than the ‘other woman’ but she still wonders if she can trust him.
“So I was warned but I ignored it, probably because it was all so vague until that Friday night. I expect if I’d been told directly I’d have questioned him sooner and it would have been sorted.”
So what would I say Joyce? Think carefully, you have no evidence, you still can say to this friend that you were surprised to see him with the girl and should she be concerned on behalf of his wife?
