Pauline Carville is a singer, an actress, a theatre coach and an author. In her debut book Am I Mad Or What? she charts the course of her life and her ever present chronic depression. Yet this Is an uplifting and fascinating book full of important information on the subject, undoubtedly her life has been one of drama. After years of trauma, she ends up consulting a professional and this is how she introduces us to chapter one – “The psychotherapist asked me ‘Why don’t you start at the beginning?’”
In the beginning life was happy for the little girl born in West Belfast, a child with a talent to entertain be it in the front room or, accompanied by her proud father, singing in working men’s clubs. Like many youngsters she loved television and most of all sitting with her mother and sisters on a Saturday afternoon watching films, she adored Doris Day and she was fascinated by John Wayne and Maureen o’Hara in The Quiet Man, little did she know that one day she would meet O’Hara and listen to her advice. Her family concerts soon drew a wider audience of friends as well as relatives and she discovered the excitement of applause.
When she was eight she had her own theatre company of school friends and she directed them in dance routines she had watched on the small screen, including Dirty Dancing and that iconic lift! And so a director as well as a performer was born.
Sadly the seeds of self-doubt were sown at primary school when she told Mrs. A she couldn’t see the blackboard; instead of bringing the child to the front of the class the teacher put her further back and ignored her. “You speak up you get punished and so I began to tell myself that I clearly wasn’t good enough. Even today I have to work really hard not to let that thought in.”
Pauline felt frightened and alone and her childhood experience was the prelude to a life time of depression. Am I Mad Or What contains shocking examples of going through mental torture and a series of dreadful events, the unexplained death of her father found unclothed beside his car in a wood between Carlingford and Omeath, the men who abused her, pressuring and controlling and so assisting her into deeper depression. The husband who gave her £30,000 to go to New York to sort out her head and discovering that he was having an affair, the American psychic who conned her out of thousands of pounds; as a child going to stay with a family in Belgium as part of Project Children, a project for young teens to enjoy respite from The Troubles. But it turned out to be another terrible time, she saw her Belgium ‘sister’ being attacked and raped and another new friend was killed crossing the road.
From those early days singing in Belfast, Pauline had achieved a career as a top model, acting, singing and lucrative promotional work. She appeared on television and in films, happy and successful on the surface but in fact struggling with deep dark thoughts and confidence levels at an all time low always questioning was she good enough. Many times she contemplated suicide.
She poured her heart into a diary. Entry for 2nd April 2001. “My heart feels like it is beating out of my chest and I can’t seem able to breath. All day at college I kept hiding in the toilets talking to my thoughts, asking them to stop. I feel completely mad and my head is spinning. I keep hearing the voice in my head saying how no one likes me, that I am no good at anything and it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here. I just want the voice to stop. Oh God my head is away. Please make it stop. Please.”
In Glasgow she trained in acting at what today is the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland, there were many happy times, the occasional ‘wee joint’ to relax with her friends but during a visit to a local psychic she was told to ditch the ‘wacky backy’: “You need your voice because London is beckoning you. I see you on a big stage with bright lights, singing.”
She was accepted to the Royal Academy of Music in London in 1998. All went well for the first week, developing friendships, excited about the course but soon her insecurities set in and she suffered sleep issues and the cloud of severe depression descended, so she isolated herself. Despite this she made history winning two prestigious prizes at the same time, never before or since, one for performing poetry and prose the other for acting through song.
As promised she made it to the West End, she appeared in Honk the Ugly Duckling, Sweeney Todd and the Titanic, Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice and A Comedy of Errors as well as concerts in the West End and Off Broadway in New York. She also taught singing and acting, she’s founder director of Apollo Arts Theatre in Belfast and currently runs the very successful Belfast School of Singing. Thanks to treatment and continuing psychotherapy, today Pauline Carville is pacing her life, taking time to consider her health and her future and she is happy with her husband Robin Elliott: “He’s my best friend in life and work, he’s my soulmate.” When she asks herself these days Am I Mad or What? the answer is: “After 30 years I’m the extremely strong woman that I am today. Am I mad or what? Yes I am and you know what – I like it!”
The little girl from an estate in the heart of West Belfast has proved to Mrs. A and everyone else that she is more than capable of being a success.
Published by Excalibur Press £9.99
Lots of love and positive vibes to Breezy Kelly in Glenties. She lost her lovely little cottage in a fire but she’s being well supported by her many friends.
The Aware NI Depression support line: Monday to Friday 11 a.m – 3 p.m. 07548530931 or 07340488254
I have devoured Bridgerton from start to finish. OK but glad it’s over and I can get on with something else, the leading man is like a long drink of water. The costumes are the stars of the show, I wish we dressed so elegantly today and had little soirées and big balls.
The Sharma family’s Indian heritage was intriguing and was integrated into their costumes. There were big discussions about how to represent the Sharma family using Regency dresses. The team ended up featuring Indian fabrics and Indian embroidery. The rich jewel-tone colour palettes of Kate Sharma’s costumes are important as she is a feisty lady and her sister wears more pastel shades as she is a more delicate flower! All the family’s jewellery is Indian inspired.
Interesting that costume designer Ellen Mirojnick worked with 238 people over five months ending up with 7500 pieces and apparently the costumes are more elaborate and extravagant than in any other period drama. Empire line design, cap sleeves and corsets are one style but poor old Queen Charlotte has to wear a neck brace to support the weight of her wigs. Enjoy.
COSTLY TO RUN
This is a super yacht anchored off the Spanish coast. Might well be going for a song one of these days. Would look well in the marina at Carrickfergus. Such wealth in this day and age is obscene.
Last words for today. As one of my teachers would say, read, mark and inwardly digest!
