Hearing A Different Drum
I fell into company with an attractive man last week and we got into conversation. Early thirties, middle son, attentive mum and dad, no work but living in hope. The chat was great and covered lots of different topics but all rooted in the one fact of his life, he is autistic.
He was very honest but hesitant to use his real name so I’ll call him Frank.
Teachers at his Belfast primary school soon realised Frank was different, a very bright boy but with habits they didn’t understand.
“When you’re on the spectrum, and I believe most people are to some extent, you have a unique way of thinking and one aspect is the habit of doing things over and over in a pattern, I used to get up from my desk and walk round the room or out into the corridor, I would repeat the same sentence over and over again but what they didn’t understand was that for me this is a protection, a way of sorting out my thoughts in a logical way. It blocks out other sounds or distractions that cause the mind to become stressed.”
And who doesn’t do this in some way, retreating into a book, going for a walk, taking to your room and shutting the door. I experienced going into a teenager’s bedroom to pass on a message to be told in no uncertain terms to get out. I was shocked and sat on the stairs wondering what I’d done to offend when she came out of the room, sat beside me, said, “I love you.” and disappeared again. She was displaying her logic, I wasn’t welcome but it wasn’t personal.
Obsessions are common
Frank’s special talent is his memory. He is a mine of information on just about any subject and he is precise and accurate, his fixation is cinema and his detailed knowledge is amazing. He is meticulous about everything and goes into breathtaking detail.
Basically Autistic Spectrum Disorder is a developmental disability that affects the way people communicate, behave and interact with others. There’s no single cause and symptoms can be mild or very severe but in general a rigorous daily routine is vital to someone with autism and any deviation causes distress, confusion and often depression.
Poet and philosopher, Henry Thoreau put it this way:
‘If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.’
Frank told me he excels at spelling and numbers and could read before he went to school. “I don’t know how I learned but I seemed to achieve easily when it came to studies but not when it came to people. At primary school it wasn’t so bad because over time I built up a good set of friends and when I left I was feeling quite secure.”
But it all changed when it came to secondary school.
“Suddenly I wasn’t one of the big boys with my special and familiar routines. I was struggling, someone the boys picked on.”
And the bullying began.
It was too much for him to go into detail but, he said, lying and tricks, cruel name calling and mental games made him confused, extremely vulnerable and unhappy. To cope, as he does to this day, he retreated into himself, metaphorically and actually he pulled the duvet over his head and hid.
The rituals became more important than ever.
“I began to examine my condition and learn that my extreme logic sometimes resulted in me either being too positive or too negative when being open minded was much better and that helped me develop personal skills. After university I got a placement in a finance firm and then a job in a small accountancy firm for a few years and all the time I was adjusting to people and they were adjusting to me but I was laid off when the company downsized.”
The one positive Frank feels is that autism is more understood than ever before although he finds not always tolerated, people still don’t know how to react. It pleases him that when he meets someone from his schooldays often they will apologise for the way the class behaved but they simply didn’t know about autism. Surely this was the fault of the teachers who should have looked into Frank’s behaviour, found out about the spectrum that’s called autism and then, with Frank’s permission and acceptance, educated the pupils.
What would he say to people who meet someone with a degree of autism?
“Understand a little of what my world is like. For instanceI I love hugs but people don’t understand this is my way of trying to be friendly. I know I give the wrong impression at times especially with girls, my relationships don’t last.”
Obviously a sadness although he acknowledges he has many women friends. “Sometimes I regret I’m not like everyone else, I don’t like the hustle and bustle of every day life and meeting people, I need my own space but autism is a gift and we must all find our gift and channel it.”
More at www.autism.org.uk
Heard a great thing during last week.
POLITICS IS SHOWBIZ FOR UGLY PEOPLE
Never a truer word!
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The most common types include male and female ‘pattern’ hair loss. This condition affects about 50% of males by the age of 50 and a quarter of females and can happen at any age for men, a gradual thinning in the middle of the head and working out; for women more often than not it’s a receding hairline allowing the scalp shines through. Alopecia is another type of hair loss and they all happen for various reasons from genetics to illness, sometimes it’s temporary often it’s permanent.
On the other hand, trichotillomania is a nervous condition where someone pulls out their hair in clumps, more common than people realise. But loosing all your hair within a few days because of cancer drugs which, as well as dealing with the news that you have the disease, is especially distressing.
I know this from experience! Eighteen years ago when wigs were very obvious mine got caught in the down-draft from a bus and went rolling along the pavement like tumbleweed in a cowboy movie! Thank you to the lady who chased it as I stood stock still with my arms over my head.
Today it’s a very different story as I discovered when I talked to Oliveen Kelly at her hair salon in Draperstown.
With breast cancer there’s that feeling of loss of femininity and one of the most important things is to get your hair back initially drawing from a range of a full, well made wig and women come from as far as Belfast and Dublin to consult with Oliveen.
Alternative Hair Solutions is situated on the main street, at one time the parochial house for Ballinascreen Parish, left to decay until this hard working woman took it over last December and transformed it – stylish, a welcoming atmosphere and restful colours all important as many of the people who come here are sensitive about their lack of hair.
There are plenty of wigs to choose from but we talk of hairpieces and, she says, that word makes the world of difference to so many.
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Why should women experience receding hair line or thinning hair?
“At a conference in London trichologists were debating this and wondering if there’s a link to skin products, even foundation, they don’t know for sure. But if you notice thinning you can use various products on the market to give hair density. However,” she added, “it’s always best to get professional advice or go to the doctor and discuss what the causes might be and if there is any medication available.”
There are various ways to disguise thinning, extensions for instance which give bulk to the existing hair when attached to the roots, popular with young woman who just want long hair for some special event. “Whether it’s necessary or just cosmetic I love to hear woman and girls say their whole life has been changed with their new look. Looking good boosts the moral.”
That’s why Oliveen visits Charis House, the cancer care centre in Cookstown where she cuts and fashions and advises anyone recovering from cancer and this she does as a complimentary service. A hairdresser for 30 years, it was when she talked to professionals in London that she and became fascinated at the range of wigs on the market and learned how to match them to a client’s head and skin tones, trimming and styling. She learned that hair from Chinese women is popular and of a company in Indonesia where girls to donate their hair once a year to the monks who run the factory. In turn they are employed to make the wigs and hairpieces. Hair from that part of the world is dark, European hair is lighter and popular so more expensive. Then there is ‘Prime Hair’ a type of acrylic that can be treated like real hair apart from home colouring.
It’s such a sensitive subject that Oliveen has dedicated a special floor in the house, above the regular hairdressing salon, where clients can relax and talk in detail about their situation in complete privacy. Men too make appointments usually arriving with a toupee attached, something they have bought on-line and glued to their scalp. They go away with a much more natural look and able to hold their head up with confidence, as one said to me, “Hair today, gone tomorrow!”
Not only men and women come to the Draperstown centre. Children too suffer alopecia and being able to provide them with a fashionable head of hair is probably the most satisfying, if it’s traumatic for an adult loosing hair, think how it must be for a child as young as five. Then there’s a nervous condition, trichotillomania , where someone works away at their hair eventually putting it out in clumps, more common than people realise.
“Also eczema causes dry patches on the head so hair can’t grow therefore it’s important to keep the scalp clean and if there’s any sign of this get along to the doctor and get a prescription for treating it.”
For many it’s a case of accepting their hair loss although there may be medications to help or transplant surgery but a suitable hairpiece is a very satisfactory answer.
Real hairpieces come at a price and can vary from £400 to £800 depending on size and length, the Prime acrylic is a little cheaper starting at £300 with ready to wear synthetic wigs around £150 to £350. Real hair wigs are more expensive but last longer.
Alternative Hair Solutions 028 7962 8325. www.alternativehair.solutions
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